Saturday, July 25, 2009


so many times i find myself so utterly confused by my son. i'm saddened and heartbroken and just don't know what to do. i'm so very sad that i'm a horrible mother. many times i wish i wasn't here, just so they had a shot at having a normal life. i feel like i'm screwing everything up. then i think about them growing up without a mother and i just can't do that. i had a 'physical' mother, but not anyone emotionally there for me. not someone who was raising me to be a good person and a God fearing person. i learned most of that stuff on my own, and through the help of my best friends parents. i realize i was the "ooops" baby in my family, but i have one of those too...and i couldn't love her any more or less than my non-oops babies.

back on target to troublesome one.

we started Focalin nearly 2 weeks ago now. i was SO very excited that immediately i saw results. the first day was AWESOME. and the next couple days were good. then they started going back to exactly how they used to be. we're upset all the time. there's lots of yelling, lots of tension and lots of sadness. i feel absolutely HORRIBLE to even say this (this is what makes me certain i'm a bad mother), but i just can't stand to be around him. i feel like a failure of a mother. i'm lost. what do i do? how do i fix it? what did i do wrong, and is it too late for my other 2 children? would they be better off without me? maybe someone else raising them would be better. so many stresses would be gone from our house if i weren't here. but you know what....jacob would still be jacob. he'd still need the love and support of his family. he would need help coping with the loss of a parent. everything in my life is a toss-up. there isn't a win anywhere it's almost all loss.

so what do i do? how do i cope? where do i turn?

we are financially BROKE. i can't afford to get all my meds filled. (i make sure i get my anti-depressants filled and my bowel meds filled...the rest i can deal with the pain). i know i take a lot of our financial problems out on my children, not just jacob. but he is the one who asks for more toys and things CONSTANTLY. and we did spoil him. but spoiling is not going to happen any more.

let me tell you a little story (and yes, i know this post is completely out of order):
a couple days ago our main floor bathroom smelled horribly of old urine. like if your toilet wouldn't flush and you had urine in it for days (i know this smell from growing up with a mentally handicapped brother who didn't care that a toilet didn't work, he'd go in it anyway). i emptied the trash can that night (after SCRUBBING the toilet and surrounding wall and floor with bleach) and found a soaking wet toilet paper roll (almost empty). i told my husband what i had found and i figured it was something that had fallen into the toilet (we have to keep the TP on the counter because jordyn gets it and unrolls it completely if it's on the holder). cleaned out the trash can with bleach and put it back.

yesterday i empty the trash can again and there's some liquid on the bottom. not much. so i figure, obviously the liquid didn't absorb into anything and it must be the bleach from the day before. so i emptied it and wiped it clean with a clorox wipe.

tonight i go in to go potty and happen to look down into an empty trash's got about an inch of liquid in it. i smell it, it's urine. now....there's only ONE person in this house who would do such a thing. jacob.

i call him over and ask him about it. he says it's not him. i tell him that he can lie to me all he wants, but that God will know the answer and He would punish him. he said, "fine, it was me." totally non-caring. i LOST it. i mean, where does someone learn to do that? who thinks of this. can this possibly be normal? really? can it? i am so angry about this.

you know, i think being ornery to your siblings is normal. i think talking back is normal. i think not wanting to change clothes is normal. fighting to brush teeth, being picky about food, demanding about a toy....all normal. peeing in a trash can? that's NEXT to a toilet?

i asked him why he would do such a thing and he didn't have an answer.

we quickly got into the car and returned the movie we had rented only an hour ago for him. he said he hated that i was returning the movie. on the way i called his dad. we both told jacob how disappointed we were in him. we told him we love him...but we are disappointed. i told him he was also going to be saving his money (and having to do chores to earn it) to buy a new trash can. i told him that when we got home, he was going to go straight up and get ready for bed, then go to bed (he never goes to bed before his brother and sister). i also said, while on the phone with his dad, that he was grounded for 2 days from his friends. he would not be able to play with our neighbor friends for 2 days.

on the way home he is mad at me for returning his movie. so we got into a yelling match. i know, not too mature on my part...but i have never been this angry at him. i ask him what in the world were you thinking doing that? he finally said, "i was just tired of going potty in the toilet." really? where in the world does that come from? seriously? uuuuggggghhhhh!

so i told him that i was tired of using the toilet too. i've been using it all my life since i've been out of diapers, so maybe i'll start going potty in his bed. of course he doesn't like that idea.

he never says sorry. he never says he won't do it again. nothing. the kid has no feelings. this TERRIFIES me. how is he going to be when he gets older if he has no feelings? what kind of trouble is he going to get into because he doesn't care? where are his emotions? what did i do wrong? where did we go wrong? do i not cuddle him enough? do i not sit with him enough? would that even make a difference? i've not seen it. i've made a conscious effort to be closer to him, and it had never worked. he still was mean to his siblings, jealous of anything they might get, any time they get with me, and games that i might play with them, and not him (no matter how babyish).

i'm just at a total loss!

so now...i'm going to lie down and think about what to do. where to go. what to change. because i just don't get it.

sorry for the super long post...(which no one will ever read). i just had to vent, and this is not a story i'm going to share with any family or friends. i'm embarrassed by my parenting skills that this would happen. this one will be taken to my grave.

1 comment:

  1. I just needed to tell you that someone is reading, even though it is long after you have written the post. You have just described my feelings perfectly.

    My daughter isn't medicated yet ... we start focalin tomorrow ... but some days? I can't stand her. The sight of her when she's deliberately taunting me, the grating sound of her whining for something she has been denied. It makes me crazy.

    But I don't believe it makes either of us bad mothers. We love our kids ... But we are also only human. We want lives that are peaceful and full of love, just like other mothers. We want little children that are beautiful and obedient and loving ... just like other mothers want. And when we don't have it, it doesn't make us less as mothers because we get frustrated. So hang in there, hon. It will get better.

    And BTW ... the pee thing happened for us too, only not quite the same. I kept finding wet spots on my bathroom counter, and my daughter's bath toys would be wet, some would have "water" in them. Till we found out it was pee. Upon asking her why she would do that, she replied without remorse, "Because I felt like it."

    You are not alone. And you are not a failure.