just not sure...

about the quality of mom that i am. i find it so troubling that i don't feel in control of my children. now, let me back up a minute. i know i can't be in "control" of them all the time. i just feel like i'm not teaching them right and they aren't going to grow into the fabulous adults i want them to be. i have such trouble with jacob, that i just worry daily about how much i'm "messing him up." and it doesn't take the ADHD to question that. that's normal for me, and has been since his birth.

i know he can't help it. i feel so badly for him. he is such an intelligent little boy, that i just think he should "understand" everything. i so often forget that he is only 5. i think back to when i was 5...and that's right about the time i start remembering my life as a child (not much before age 5). he is so much smarter than i remember being. he's more capable than i remember being, too. and my mom certainly didn't baby me much, so i had to be very independent. but there are times when jacob asks me to do things for him, and i just look at him and say, "you're a big boy, you can do it." or sometimes, very jokingly-but still meaning it, i'll tell him to get off his lazy butt and do it himself. i.e.-when he asks me to throw away his trash for him because he won't get up during a cartoon.

but within the same minute, i'll do just what he wanted for one of his siblings. not really fair is it? why do i expect so much more out of him. it seems more and more lately i have to stop myself and think...it's okay to baby him. i just love him to pieces. and at the end of the day, when his medicine has worn off, and we are not very happy with each other (because i don't take into account that his meds aren't working this late), i just want to wake him up after all the others are asleep to let him know i love him. sometimes i sit on his bed and watch him sleep. i always go in to kiss him goodnight after he's asleep. but sometimes i just stay there a few more minutes. i just want to be sure he knows i love him. he does know this, right? even when his meds are wearing off?

please God...let jacob know in his heart that i love him no matter how our day is going. let him know that even when i might not be happy with his actions, i love him no matter what. let him feel this in his heart each and every day.
amen