long time...

so it's been a real long time that i've posted. it's been a crazy journey in our house since september. i am in awe of how well penny does on her blog...i can't even keep up my family's blog. so i don't really have an excuse.

the school year is going okay. other than jacob hating school. he's bored. he knows it all. and i mean that quite literally. so it's really rough on him. and of course getting a child with severe ADHD up and at'm in the morning is near impossible.

we have adjusted his medications 3 times since my last post. we started on a low dose of focalin, increased that does to 2x per day, went to stronger focalin XR 1x a day, then to 2x a day (with no interference of sleep), then stronger focalin XR...now we are on vyvanse 20mg. he's doing well on this. not his best, but he is doing well.

i get concerned sometimes because he can seem so sad at times, but he'll tell me nothing's wrong. he still has his violent streak, his growling at his brother for even looking at him the wrong way. but he doesn't act like that to anyone else that might bother him....just his brother (and sometimes sister). so this i chalk up to a sibling issue.

we went to the zoo yesterday. HUGE mistake. it was busier than the busiest day i've ever been. and i added on another 6 year old with us. i had 2 jacob's with me, and my jack and jordyn. luckily we met another mom from kindergarten class and it was alot easier on me. hard part was keeping track of all the kids. my jack kept running away and jordyn insisted on climbing in and out of the stroller herself...while jack was running away. the 3 5/6 year-olds were being boys...running, chasing, hitting each other with maps, picking up sticks. i did feel a lot better when i saw the other boy give his mom a hard time and have some MAJOR attitude with her. makes me feel normal. not that i like it...but at least i felt not alone for a brief minute!

i really just wanted to poke my head in here and quickly update. i'm exhausted from all the running around yesterday, and things i had to do today. tomorrow is Easter Sunday and i'm anxious to get it all done and over with already. i start back to school on Monday, to become a firefighter, so it's going to be a really rough 11 weeks around here.

happy easter everyone! be safe! love Jesus!

kindergarten has started...

i just realized i hadn't posted anything since jacob has started school. so here's my update.

school is going fantastic!!! he loves it there. so much so that he has told me several times that he wants to switch to all-day kindergarten. if we could afford it (we can't afford 1/2 day), i would grant him this wish. maybe after Christmas we can switch him. we'll see.

his teacher says he is doing very well. in the beginning, like all of the students, he had trouble raising his hand and sitting still. but once he became acclimated to the classroom and teacher, he has done nothing but excel.

they don't get "grades" in kindergarten, but they are graded. they get a 1, 2, or 3. Three being high. she even made a point to say that most kids will get a 2, which means they understand what is happening and what they are learning. but jacob has a 2 and a 3!!! he is excelling! not that i'm suprised by this though. he truly is the smartest 5 year old i know. (i think i need to stop telling him that though) tonight he pulled out a book for his dad to read him and he sounded out the title...DUMBO. he did it all by himself. my little boy is starting to read!!!! we've been working on it over the summer and every time we read books...but to hear him do it on his own...amazing!!! i'm so proud of him.

we've only had a couple of bad days at school. and those happen to be the 2 days that i forgot to give him his medicine. the first time, i didn't realize it until i was off the parking lot. when i picked him up, she said that they'd had a rough day and that he was interrupting and didn't finish his work. i told her i forgot to give him his medicine...and she said, "makes sense." so at least i know that it's working. today was the 2nd time. and unfortunately, he got a 'yellow' sun stamp today. every day they get a stamp on their calendar. green-perfect, yellow-disruptive a bit, red-there will be a written explaination--but it won't be good. this is his first yellow. when i asked him why he got a yellow stamp, he said, "because i didn't take my medicine." he knows his medicine helps him. maybe he knows a little too much. if he can blame his medicine, or lack thereof, maybe that's not a good thing.

jacob is now doing focalin xr 10mg in the morning and around 2-3pm, focalin 5mg. now...i hardly give him the 5mg because i hate medicating him at all. but when he has soccer practices on friday evenings, i make sure he gets it those nights. he's a totally different kid at practice at 5:30pm than he is at a game at 9am. at the game he's wonderful, listens, follows instructions, follows the game, sits still on the bench (as still as any other kindergartener)....at practice, he's screaming in kids ears, running all over the field, doing everything he's not supposed to be doing, not listening to the coach and not doing the drills he's supposed to be doing.

unfortunately, i think that both of these meds are wearing off too quickly. i strongly believe that if he went full-day, he'd have trouble after noon. by lunch time, we're starting to be upset with each other and lose our patience. the little boost of 5mg doesn't really help that much when we're at home. it only helps mildly at practice. but i'll take what i can get.

he won't take a small tablet. i have to crush up the 5mg tab. he took it one time in pudding without knowing it...but since then...he's caught on and doesn't trust me. the capsule in the AM, i open up and sprinkle on pudding...these are the only meds that i will be able to do that with. anything else, it's my understanding, he'll have to swallow a pill. i'm scared.

i know it's a game of trial and error...but i really had such high hopes since his meds were working so well at first....but that's the life of a mom with an ADHD child. it could be so much worse!!! i'm thrilled with my children, and i couldn't love them any more than i do. i just wish our days didn't have to be so full of unhappiness because of jacob's issues. but we'll continue to work on it. i'll continue to read more books, research online for behavior modifications, etc. we will get it under control. let's just hope it's sometime before he goes away to college!

i've come to realize....

a few things.
1) i'm not utilizing this blog as i originally intended...kind of a diary-like message board for me to drop my feelings out when i couldn't keep them in any more.
2) i'm not getting my thoughts and feelings out any more.
3) i'm doing a huge disservice to myself for not doing these things.

my solution...i will try harder. i am a very busy mom, aren't we all, with 3 kids, going to school, studying every night, babysitting other kids 2 days a week in my home, taking care of the home and everything in and around it because my hubby has to work 60 hours a week to 'attempt' to make ends meet. but enough about me....

just not sure...

about the quality of mom that i am. i find it so troubling that i don't feel in control of my children. now, let me back up a minute. i know i can't be in "control" of them all the time. i just feel like i'm not teaching them right and they aren't going to grow into the fabulous adults i want them to be. i have such trouble with jacob, that i just worry daily about how much i'm "messing him up." and it doesn't take the ADHD to question that. that's normal for me, and has been since his birth.

i know he can't help it. i feel so badly for him. he is such an intelligent little boy, that i just think he should "understand" everything. i so often forget that he is only 5. i think back to when i was 5...and that's right about the time i start remembering my life as a child (not much before age 5). he is so much smarter than i remember being. he's more capable than i remember being, too. and my mom certainly didn't baby me much, so i had to be very independent. but there are times when jacob asks me to do things for him, and i just look at him and say, "you're a big boy, you can do it." or sometimes, very jokingly-but still meaning it, i'll tell him to get off his lazy butt and do it himself. i.e.-when he asks me to throw away his trash for him because he won't get up during a cartoon.

but within the same minute, i'll do just what he wanted for one of his siblings. not really fair is it? why do i expect so much more out of him. it seems more and more lately i have to stop myself and think...it's okay to baby him. i just love him to pieces. and at the end of the day, when his medicine has worn off, and we are not very happy with each other (because i don't take into account that his meds aren't working this late), i just want to wake him up after all the others are asleep to let him know i love him. sometimes i sit on his bed and watch him sleep. i always go in to kiss him goodnight after he's asleep. but sometimes i just stay there a few more minutes. i just want to be sure he knows i love him. he does know this, right? even when his meds are wearing off?

please God...let jacob know in his heart that i love him no matter how our day is going. let him know that even when i might not be happy with his actions, i love him no matter what. let him feel this in his heart each and every day.
amen

(for my ONE follower...if you read my family blog...
this is almost the exact same post from that site, too)

jacob started on medicine 2 weeks ago. focalin to be exact. 5mg. with any medicine for adhd we start out at the lowest dosage and hope the medicine works. if not, maybe we change the dosage, maybe we change the medication. it's kind of a trial and error, if you will.

so we started on this 2 weeks ago, and the first day was the BESTEST ever! the next few days were also really nice, but then they started going downhill. back to where we used to be. he would be in everyone's face. he would take the Golden Rule to mean "get even." jack hit me, so he must want me to hit him. retaliation was key in his day. he was loud, busy and sometimes downright mean. there weren't genuine smiles and happiness. there was much yelling and timeouts. it was very depressing to be in our house.

forward to today...i was supposed to call in 2 weeks to let doctor know how it was going. that would be tomorrow. it was all i could do to wait until today. i called as soon as their phones opened this morning. talked with the nurse and she said that since there was an improvement in the beginning, doctor would probably just change the dosage. she called back about 30 minutes later and confirmed that. i'm supposed to check in with her on friday again.

so today went very well. it went almost exactly how i would expect a day to go with 3 children. there was some fighting, there was some yelling, there were some timeouts. emphasis on the word SOME. it was minimal. we played. we cuddled. we loved. we smiled. we joked. most important...we had FUN! we went to bed on awesome terms. lots of kisses and laughing. just the way i think it's meant to be.

i know there are supposed to be struggles. siblings will fight. there will be anger. there will be sadness. there will be unhappiness. but you know what...above all, there will be love and happiness. THAT'S what i'm looking for. and today, we achieved it.

please pray that we have found the right dosage and it doesn't dwindle again. i tormented myself over whether or not to medicate him to begin with, but i don't like the idea of continuing to increase the dosage...but we will do what we have to do. and of course, we will be informed when it happens.

my life has become all about my children. that started back on october 1, 2003. the day i found out we were pregnant. someday's i question what God was thinking. i always quote "God will only give you what you can handle" to make it through the day...more so lately. but you know what...we are handling it. it might not be the "right" way. others might be more patient, and others just might be more mentally equipped to deal. but we're doing the best we can....and you know what...we must be doing something right because tonight (at VBS-Good Shepherd Little Lambs) jacob made an octopus and asked someone how to write, "I Love You Mom."

lost...

so many times i find myself so utterly confused by my son. i'm saddened and heartbroken and just don't know what to do. i'm so very sad that i'm a horrible mother. many times i wish i wasn't here, just so they had a shot at having a normal life. i feel like i'm screwing everything up. then i think about them growing up without a mother and i just can't do that. i had a 'physical' mother, but not anyone emotionally there for me. not someone who was raising me to be a good person and a God fearing person. i learned most of that stuff on my own, and through the help of my best friends parents. i realize i was the "ooops" baby in my family, but i have one of those too...and i couldn't love her any more or less than my non-oops babies.

back on target to jacob...my troublesome one.

we started Focalin nearly 2 weeks ago now. i was SO very excited that immediately i saw results. the first day was AWESOME. and the next couple days were good. then they started going back to exactly how they used to be. we're upset all the time. there's lots of yelling, lots of tension and lots of sadness. i feel absolutely HORRIBLE to even say this (this is what makes me certain i'm a bad mother), but i just can't stand to be around him. i feel like a failure of a mother. i'm lost. what do i do? how do i fix it? what did i do wrong, and is it too late for my other 2 children? would they be better off without me? maybe someone else raising them would be better. so many stresses would be gone from our house if i weren't here. but you know what....jacob would still be jacob. he'd still need the love and support of his family. he would need help coping with the loss of a parent. everything in my life is a toss-up. there isn't a win anywhere it seems....it's almost all loss.

so what do i do? how do i cope? where do i turn?

we are financially BROKE. i can't afford to get all my meds filled. (i make sure i get my anti-depressants filled and my bowel meds filled...the rest i can deal with the pain). i know i take a lot of our financial problems out on my children, not just jacob. but he is the one who asks for more toys and things CONSTANTLY. and we did spoil him. but spoiling is not going to happen any more.

let me tell you a little story (and yes, i know this post is completely out of order):
a couple days ago our main floor bathroom smelled horribly of old urine. like if your toilet wouldn't flush and you had urine in it for days (i know this smell from growing up with a mentally handicapped brother who didn't care that a toilet didn't work, he'd go in it anyway). i emptied the trash can that night (after SCRUBBING the toilet and surrounding wall and floor with bleach) and found a soaking wet toilet paper roll (almost empty). i told my husband what i had found and i figured it was something that had fallen into the toilet (we have to keep the TP on the counter because jordyn gets it and unrolls it completely if it's on the holder). cleaned out the trash can with bleach and put it back.

yesterday i empty the trash can again and there's some liquid on the bottom. not much. so i figure, obviously the liquid didn't absorb into anything and it must be the bleach from the day before. so i emptied it and wiped it clean with a clorox wipe.

tonight i go in to go potty and happen to look down into an empty trash can...it's got about an inch of liquid in it. i smell it, it's urine. now....there's only ONE person in this house who would do such a thing. jacob.

i call him over and ask him about it. he says it's not him. i tell him that he can lie to me all he wants, but that God will know the answer and He would punish him. he said, "fine, it was me." totally non-caring. i LOST it. i mean, where does someone learn to do that? who thinks of this. can this possibly be normal? really? can it? i am so angry about this.

you know, i think being ornery to your siblings is normal. i think talking back is normal. i think not wanting to change clothes is normal. fighting to brush teeth, being picky about food, demanding about a toy....all normal. peeing in a trash can? that's NEXT to a toilet?

i asked him why he would do such a thing and he didn't have an answer.

we quickly got into the car and returned the movie we had rented only an hour ago for him. he said he hated that i was returning the movie. on the way i called his dad. we both told jacob how disappointed we were in him. we told him we love him...but we are disappointed. i told him he was also going to be saving his money (and having to do chores to earn it) to buy a new trash can. i told him that when we got home, he was going to go straight up and get ready for bed, then go to bed (he never goes to bed before his brother and sister). i also said, while on the phone with his dad, that he was grounded for 2 days from his friends. he would not be able to play with our neighbor friends for 2 days.

on the way home he is mad at me for returning his movie. so we got into a yelling match. i know, not too mature on my part...but i have never been this angry at him. i ask him what in the world were you thinking doing that? he finally said, "i was just tired of going potty in the toilet." really? where in the world does that come from? seriously? uuuuggggghhhhh!

so i told him that i was tired of using the toilet too. i've been using it all my life since i've been out of diapers, so maybe i'll start going potty in his bed. of course he doesn't like that idea.

he never says sorry. he never says he won't do it again. nothing. the kid has no feelings. this TERRIFIES me. how is he going to be when he gets older if he has no feelings? what kind of trouble is he going to get into because he doesn't care? where are his emotions? what did i do wrong? where did we go wrong? do i not cuddle him enough? do i not sit with him enough? would that even make a difference? i've not seen it. i've made a conscious effort to be closer to him, and it had never worked. he still was mean to his siblings, jealous of anything they might get, any time they get with me, and games that i might play with them, and not him (no matter how babyish).

i'm just at a total loss!

so now...i'm going to lie down and think about what to do. where to go. what to change. because i just don't get it.

sorry for the super long post...(which no one will ever read). i just had to vent, and this is not a story i'm going to share with any family or friends. i'm embarrassed by my parenting skills that this would happen. this one will be taken to my grave.

losing effect....

so...the medicine seems to be working pretty well. wednesday when we started it, he was fabulous. he was a different kid. sometimes throughout that day i found myself missing my "old jacob"...thinking, he's just not himself, he's losing sense of himself. i was deeply saddened for this loss.

but, by the end of the night, i knew this was not the case. instead, he has "found" himself. he has found a person he can love and be happy with. he has found the person who can listen, follow directions and get into less and less trouble. he has found the person he can live with, i think.

i can't believe that a little pill can make such a difference. we are SOOO much happier here throughout the day. we still get into trouble. we still make our siblings mad. we still have a short temper (but i think that was inherited). but it's not every 3 seconds (and don't even think i'm joking about that time frame)

i was worried about a lack of appetite. it seemed the very first day that this side effect rang true. but as of today...he has a normal appetite, in addition, he sits through his meals. this morning, he had a pudding and 2 pieces of toast. that's a good breakfast for him.

here's my question (and based on some other ADHD websites that i'm following, i think i already know the answer): is it possible for a medicine to work well at the beginning and to slowly stop working as well? and how quickly can this happen? he is still quite more well-behaved than he was a week ago, but i see subtle differences of the "old jacob" coming through. i'll still take who we have now over who we had then (but i'd never give either one up...ever!!!)...but, at what point do i question it? at what point to i talk to the doctor?

i know these questions are too early for me...but i'm preparing myself. we talk back with the doctor in a week. i'm charting how the day goes, and really, it's still so much better than it was...but i'm just worried that it's slowly losing it's effect.